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In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

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I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

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A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

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Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

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Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

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I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

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The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

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Hi there, what's up you guys???

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Hello!

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Hello!

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

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It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

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Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Hello!

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

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I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

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I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

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A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

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Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

The truth is more important than the facts.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

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Hello!

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

Hello!

Hello!

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

Hello!

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We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

Hello!

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

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Hello!

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

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